Keaton and Russell give their thoughts on the September 12 Democratic debate in Houston.
And listed below:
Totally Non-Partisan Debate Round Up
by Russell Dobular
Amy Klobuchar: “I’ve sponsored or co-sponsored over 100 bills, all of which were innocuous enough to get past Mitch McConnell. This included landmark legislation like my Nazis Are Bad resolution and my bold Kiddie Porn Shouldn’t Be A Thing Act. So if you want the kind of President who focuses on the fruit that’s hanging so low that even a GOP Congress will take no exception to it, I’m your gal.”
Julian Castro: “Joe, did you just pee yourself?! He peed himself! I can’t believe he peed himself! And now he’s denying it! There’s like a thin stream of old codger urine right there behind the podium! Did you forget you peed yourself already?! (Under breath) Yep, that outghta do it. Top tier, here I come.
Cory Booker: “Yes, I’ve been compared a lot to Obama. But I think that’s only because we all look alike to the white pundits who make these shallow observations. Hell, they couldn’t even tell Obama and Kamala apart until she shit the bed in the last debate. If you’re black and speak in complete sentences its like that Shazam movie, only instead of a superhero, you turn into Obama.”
Beto O’Rourke: “They tell me I can’t drop the F-bomb tonight, so let me just apologize to everyone who bought a T-shirt. As to why I won’t get out of the race and run for Senate, I’m not supposed to talk about this, but Warner Bros. is currently in pre-production for an Addams Family prequel which is going to be a kind of young Lurch origin story. And guess who’s up for the lead?”
Pete Buttigieg: “There’s a war going on in this country right now. And it goes beyond red states and blue states, Republicans and Democrats. The war I’m speaking of is between the wealthy donors who keep pouring millions of dollars into my campaign and the millions of voters who don’t think speaking Norwegian is a qualification. Well, let me just say to those people, with America imploding and the yuan collapsing, who do you think is going to lead? The Norwegian century is clearly at hand. You heard it here first.”
Andrew Yang: “You get a thousand dollars! And you get a thousand dollars! And you . . .”
Bernie Sanders: “Venezuela, Jorge? Really? Venezuela? I thought the DNC decided not to do a FOX News debate. But in all seriousness, I know your people, generally speaking, have had a rough history with far left-wing governments. But you’ve also had a rough history with CIA backed-coups, and right-wing dictatorships supported by the US. So why aren’t you asking about what my administration would do to avoid another Pinochet, instead of trying to tie what you surely know are commonplace European-style social programs to Venezeula? I ask because I think a lot of Democrats assume that Univision doesn’t have the corporate agenda of the English-language media, in spite of the fact that you personally prove that false on a regular basis.”
Kamala Harris: “Trump! Trump! Trumpity-Trump-Trump! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! (Pause) Autopsy photos make me sad. (Beat) Hey Joe, let’s try “Yes we can.” Shit, nothing? That killed in rehearsals. Listen people, I’m working with a handicap here. Being an undiagnosed sociopath, I know my sense of propriety can be strange and off-putting. Hence all the weird tonal shifts and disconcerting affect. Nobody on the San Francisco cocktail circuit seemed to notice the empty void at the core of my being, but TV is an unforgiving medium.”
Joe Biden: “Did you know that three dogs fighting can . . . it can make Arianna Grande . . . and also, Maduro has a small wooden box. I’ve seen it! Furthermore, I just want to say to my friends on stage here . . . there’s nothing like what my father used to say, which is . . . Ozymandius, King of Kings, look on . . . and also, buy records. And I also want you to know that I used to have a Dodge truck with a mango scented air-freshener.”
Elizabeth Warren: “Having a background in bankruptcy law, I’d like you all to stop for a second and do the math. Bernie is loathed by the party establishment and as we know from 2016, those folks don’t play fair; Biden is like Jack Nicholson at the end of Cuckoo’s Nest, and Harris is creepy as fuck. And barring an asteroid hitting Washington and wiping out all four of us at the same time, no one else on this stage stands a chance. All that to say, yes, this is happening. Warren 2020, baby. Its real.”
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